Set oven to 425°F (220°C). Line a large sheet pan with parchment and lightly oil or spray it.
Grate on the large holes of a box grater or pulse florets in a food processor to rice-sized bits. You want fine, not mush.
Microwave the riced cauliflower in a covered bowl for 4–5 minutes (or steam on the stovetop). Cool slightly, then squeeze out excess moisture using a clean kitchen towel or cheesecloth until very dry . This is your crunch insurance.
In a large bowl, combine dried cauliflower, cooked quinoa, eggs, cheese, breadcrumbs, grated onion, garlic, herbs, paprika, salt, and pepper. Stir until the mixture clumps and holds together when squeezed.
Scoop about 1 heaping tablespoon per tot. Squeeze firmly and shape into small cylinders or ovals. You should get about 30–36 tots.
Place tots on the sheet pan with space between them. Brush or spray the tops with olive oil for extra browning.
Bake 12–15 minutes, flip, then bake another 8–10 minutes until deeply golden and crisp on the edges. If you like extra crunch, broil for 1–2 minutes at the end—watch closely.
Sprinkle with a pinch of salt while hot. Serve with ketchup, spicy mayo, Greek yogurt ranch, or chimichurri if you're feeling fancy.